Impromptu

Words are inadequate a medium to explore. 

The sentence stops abruptly. To explore what? But like I wrote. Words are inadequate. What I feel? What I think? I just know now. Yesterday and tomorrow are blanketed in a frenzy of anxiety and war. 

So..  Now...

A pebble drops in a calm crystal mirror lake. It forms lengthy yet calm ripples. Weirdly, the sound is deafening. Nuclear explosions and chaotic screams. It doesn't match the visage.

Where the pebble floats is now, and what the pebble is, is me. Again I'm looking at the waves. What happened and what will, occupy me instead of my place on the lake. And what of the sound?

I'm tired. I'm so tired.

I didn't know. I thought that's how it was supposed to be.

But it turns out I was traumatized. And I didn't find support. Just ridicule and loath. And then you came. And I never trusted your love. And then you hurt me as well. And now?

Now I'm just trying to soothe the constant terror. Trying to feel ok with not hurting me. Trying to convince myself that taking care of me is normalcy. Trying to understand how we're all helpless ants.

I just want to hear about your day little ant. But I know I'll regress again and ask for your acceptance. 

I'll ask you to give me everything that they stole. 

Everything that wasn't given.

Everything I wasn't shown how to give myself.

Everything I'm learning by myself to give.

It's ok I guess. Life is cruel.

I promise I'll try to sleep early tomorrow.

Hear that little ant?

I am talking to myself.. 

I love you. I miss you. I want to hug you. I want to laugh with you. I want to be valued, appreciated, admired, understood, protected, trusted, wanted, loved by you.

I am talking to myself...