Aversion

I'm wondering why noone calls him Greg. Must've happened once or twice but I don't remember it. Everyone calls eachother by their last names in this show.

I see myself in him all the time. Unfortunately not the brilliance. Ok.. perhaps the brilliance too, if you'll allow me a moment or two, of narcissistic self discovery.

'Addicts lie..'

'You avoid pain,

and caring is pain sometimes..'

'-I wanted to be there.. 

-That's not enough...'

I'm watching in a dimly lit room. The coziness and the quiet, somehow stroke my own pet fear. In a moment of connection I open my lips and say : 'Why did you have to take the drugs and be there?... Why don't be this same you without them?...' 

My gaze immediately travels a thousand yards. Like of shellshock victims. 

I didn't tell, him, this. 

I told myself. 

Did it really have to happen like this? Life I mean. Did I have to hurt and get hurt to learn and grow? And now? What happens to them? The protagonists of this show. I'll watch the next episode. What happens to the other them? The protagonists of my life? 

Are they, too, thinking of life and her hurtful ways? Are they at peace? Are they taking care of themselves? 

Again I'm wishing I could be there to help. But first I must take care of me. Feel the pain I've avoided for so much. And grow from it. 

Oh, and one last thing. In my book today I read 'Saying no and feeling guilt is much preferred to saying yes and feeling aversion'. Totally off topic I know. But this is what the day had in store for me. 

And now I guess for whoever is reading this. 

Goodnight. 

I hope with all my heart. You're taking care of yourself.