My love

It felt external

It seemed an entity not me

It howled from beyond the rainbow 

But my love is my own

A feeling

A feathered promise of compassion

And that's fine

The only truth I can ever rely on

The only part of chaos I know 

The only conviction I want

Enough with the musts

Down with the shoulds

Death to struggling to feel otherwise 

The truth is

I'm in love

And if it causes pain?

I'll accept it as I feel it. It's real. It's now. It's pain. It's ok. Of course it's painful, I'm in love alone. 

I'm painfully in love... 

And if it causes sorrow? 

I'll embrace it as it's true. These are my feelings. No use lying. No point manipulating me or anyone or anything. No more struggling to feel 'as I should'. No more regret on my mistakes. 

I'm sorrowful in love... 

And if it causes happiness? 

I won't be afraid it's fake. I won't be afraid it's conditioned on me being this or doing that. I won't fulfill my learned prophecies of abandonment. 

I'll be happily in love... 

I won't punish me for how I felt or how I feel anymore. My head handled things poorly. And -their- stupid rules were wrong to follow. If only I knew to express my reality without fear. But you learn then, to grow now.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself anymore. My existence is permitted. I'm not wrong. I'm not worthless. I'm not evil. I'm not a bad person. I shouldn't get over it. I shouldn't forget it. Suppress it. These are my feelings. This is who I am. This is me. 

Soaring above green fields with my wings touching Dutch tulips. 

'Cause feeling like this makes me want to write about green fields and wings and tulips. 

Then wonder, smiling, if any serious poet would ever write 'because' like this.

Warm and protective, fearless candlelight particles between wanting palms, burst from my chest. 

Emanating outward, they travel with unwavering certainty even though I, their maker, observe clueless their intention. 

I'll keep on rowing. In this sea of moments. Sometimes stopping to put black things on 5 line staves and hear what my feelings sound like. Or tap letters and form sentences, like these here, in an effort to finally fall asleep. 

Hoping life has a plan similar to how I imagine it 

Humbly and quietly

I am, in, love

My love